Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Hard night and life lessons...

I had a hard night last night. A week ago I had taught the new choreography for Body Step and it didn't go well at all. So, I worked really hard this week to make sure things went better. And, they did, but still not as well as they should have. Unfortunately, the wrong person was in the class to see that. Others were very encouraging and thought things went pretty well. The hard thing is that from my conversation, she thought things went worse than they did. I KNOW I can do better and I have done better, for some reason this new choreography just isn't sticking with me. At my gym the expections are extremely high and probably border on unrealistic, but that is why the instructors are phenomenal.

So, I had a great conversation with my husband when I got home. He helped me realize that just because I am not meeting one person's expectations, I am not failing. I crave the feeling of success and accomplishment since becoming a full-time mom. So, it is so disappointing when I have worked SO hard, put in SO much time and energy to become a good instructor, and I feel like I am not succeeding. I need to learn to focus on the positives and not the negatives. The fact is that I have had several of my participants tell me that they enjoy coming to my class, before this new choreography I was teaching great classes and things were coming more naturally. One of the other instructors has been a great encourager and is willing to help me even though her life is very full. I made it through training and accomplished getting certified as a Body Step instructor. Those are the things I need to focus on.

The fact is that preparing for Body Step takes a HUGE amount of my time. I think as time goes on it will get better, but there will always be new choreography to learn. I need to decide if this is a good fit for my life right now. Right now, I don't feel like I can not do much else than work on Body Step and take care of my girls. I love that the process keeps me working out even when I don't feel like it. The best part for me is actually teaching the classes. Teaching has given me something that gets me out of the house and something else to focus on other than kids. So, I know I would miss those things. I am not ready to make any decisions right now, we will see how things go.

So, of course I couldn't sleep last night and got up to watch some TV to get my mind off of the night. While I was up, Vera was rocking a lot in her bed, so I went in to see if she had gone #2 since she didn't do that at all during the day. She hadn't, but her diaper was full and I got her out to change her. After that, I rocked her while she layed her head on my shoulder. After a little while, I put her back in her bed. She sat right up and then stood up, so I picked my sweet baby back up. She was pointing at something, at first I thought it was the nightlight, but then realized that she was pointing at the rocking chair. She wanted me to rock her again! That just melted my heart because this is the child that barely lets you rock her and she is pointing at her bed. So, I sat and rocked my baby and probably cried as much as I had earlier in the night. This time they were tears of joy! God helped me realize that I am succeeding and accomplishing being a mom. The accomplishments aren't always obvious and don't always come right away, but they are the most fulfilling accomplishments of all.

10 comments:

Holli said...

this made me cry!!!!
Praying for you! don't let one person get you down! there are more out there that LOVE YOU!!!!
oh and Vera- tears of JOY!!!

Anonymous said...

so precious how God used Vera to encourage and bless your heart. happy rocking!
praying for you, teresa c.

Barbara said...

Vera is such a special little girl. She knew Mommy needed to be shown how wonderful she is. :-)

Abby said...

I have to say I got teary eyed too! That is so hard about BStep, but I'm sure you're great and you'll get it!
I seriously get teary eyed just about every night when I tuck M in...it's just so hard to believe they're home and you CAN rock them- so how do you pass that up? So, so sweet!

www.russiansweetbaby.blogspot.com said...

Yes, when you are on your death bed, many, many, many years from now, you will remember that night for being sweet and special and not a thing about the meanies at BS (my own abbreviation for Body Step--hee,hee!). :) You have your priorities straight and possibly the BS folks do not?

Holly

Amy said...

See -- your hard work IS paying off! You may not always feel it or see it, but there it is :) Good for you mom.

Sometimes that ONE person who is going against the flow and is super hard on you may also have ULTERIOR motives...

Amy said...

Sometimes that ONE person who is against you may have ulterior motives... remember that. Maybe there is something else bothering her (jealousy??).

And look -- your hhard work IS paying off. Sometimes we don't see it or feel it -- but Vera's got the results!

AbbyMel said...

Girl, you can do this...you have such success in your life with your girls. Kiara is the best kid ever and Vera is so at ease with everyone. You just have to realize what you have accomplished. Imagine what you and Ryan have given Vera already. Just because one person downplays your class does not mean you are a failure. That is ONE person, you are so good in everything you do....keep doing it and soon that person will see what you are made of, Strength Determination, Passion and Love.

Nichole said...

You are all SO kind! Thanks for lifting me up. I feel much better today. I think after that life lesson it will be easier to not worry about BStep, I will do what I can, and if it doesn't work out, that is fine. Thanks, again!

Amanda said...

I am sorry to hear about Body Step. :( I know how it feels to have a little one who would rather go to bed than rock. :) I also know the joy you must be feeling that she wanted you to rock her!! You go mama, you are doing a great job keep it up.